This week one of my oldest and dearest friends has embarked on an incredibly courageous journey, called VSED (voluntarily stopping eating and drinking) as she has rapidly increasing Alzheimer’s disease, saw what it did to her father and her as she cared for him, and did not want that for her family or herself.
We are in frequent touch with her husband only by email, as they live in a midwestern state and easy visiting is not possible. I had chosen my response by writing her a personal note, sending stones from the beach and recalling memories of our long friendship. However, my husband, struggling with what his acknowledgement to this achingly difficult situation could be, wanted to fly out for a few days and see them. I’d ventured that I thought that wasn’t a good idea, worrying that it would be intrusive, that the family needed intimacy at this time.
But it seemed important to find a way to more clearly define my position, for him as well as myself.
A few years ago, I’d read Isabel Wilkerson’s excellent book, “Caste,” about the hidden system of social order in our country, its rigid hierarchy of human rankings and how it has shaped so much of our history and present. I was taken with her description of a term I’d never heard before, ‘radical empathy,’ a possible way to begin overcoming that relentless and cruel paradigm.
I went back to look up her definition.
Radical empathy…means putting in the work to educate oneself and to listen with a humble heart to understand another’s experience from their perspective, not as we imagine we would feel. Radical empathy is not about you and what you think you would do in a situation you have never been in and perhaps never will. It is the kindred connection from a place of deep knowing that opens your spirit to the pain of another as they perceive it.
“We need radical empathy,” I told him. “To make the right decision, we need to try to feel what it’s like to be where they are, who they are, rather than think about our own needs.”
But how?
I typed ‘VSED’ into the Google search box, and up came an hour-long video with realistic descriptions of what happens to a person when they choose VSED, the many misconceptions around it, and how peaceful and meaningful it can be.
We watched, rapt. It was the help we both needed. Many pictures, email and tears have followed, and the visiting will be saved for later, when our bereaved friend will need comfort after the long ravages this horrible disease has visited on him, his wife, and all their family.
So why am I telling this very personal story now?
Because I believe we are all in great need of radical empathy, given the horrific events in Gaza and Israel of this past week. And because I thought it a possible way to step into the tangled anguish of the individuals involved in those events.
As hard as it is.
We see the pictures of bloodied children, shattered cities, human suffering vaster than we can imagine. We hear of demonstrations, passionate rage on both sides, justifications, calls for revenge, and political arguments. And then add to the poisonous mix the polarization in our Congress, grown men acting like children when we need thoughtful, caring leadership, and yes, radical empathy.
One human life is not worth more than another’s. Let’s not just watch, read, despair, turn away. Let’s work at getting into the skins of Palestinians and Israelis. Perhaps it’s too much to ask right now to do the same for Hamas and Hezbollah, but I always think, each one of these soldiers, these terrorists, was once a baby, a child with hopes and dreams. Perhaps growing up in impoverished circumstances, suffering constant rejection, not having enough to eat or any schooling, has shaped their souls. They each believe fiercely in the rightness of their cause.
As Wilkerson says, those of us who have hit the caste lottery (and that is me and so many of you) “are not in a position to tell a person who has suffered under the tyranny of caste what is offensive or hurtful or demeaning to those at the bottom.”
I do get what a gigantic order this is. I do get the complexity, the injustice, the monstrous barbaric slaughter and its terrifying impact. But I also get that until we can get closer to achieving that connection with the humanity of “the other,” we are doomed.
What is happening now in the world is bigger than us; we can do little to affect it. Yes, we can give money to causes that help and we need to, we can bear witness and weep for the pain we see in the news, but I suggest that what we can do is to reflect on some of these thoughts—not agree—just reflect—and turn to our smaller worlds, finding ways we can reach out to our fellow humans with compassion and kindness, trying out radical empathy as we turn our focus to what the hurt is in their lives rather than our own.
Let it become a practice.
Right now, there is so much suffering. All of us know someone who is burdened, frightened, struggling. Reach out. Think how the world could change, one act of radical empathy at a time.
If ever there was a time that called us to be our best selves, it is now.
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The book is “Caste,” by Isabel Wilkerson, well worth a read.
Also, check out this op-ed by David Brooks in the NYT Sunday, October 22: The Essential Skills for Being Human
I am sending much love in this tragic time.